Monday, May 05, 2008

Coping With Death while Living...

My mother is dying...She has been dying since birth, but the doctors said as of May of last year that she had 6 months, then in December they said 2 weeks, she's been to hospice homeplace once before in March and now she is there again. It seems like she can't possibly last much longer, but it did'nt seem possible in March either, but she did. Her cancer is like a vine. It has wound its way from her breast to her chest, to her shoulder, and neck into her head, around her throat. She is deaf in her left ear and she stays sick to her stomach because (I believe) it has gone into her middle ear, causing vertigo like symptoms. She had a hard time eating before because of the nausea and dizziness, but now that the cancer is working over her throat, it seems like it is shutting her throat. Now she can barely swallow. My problem is that I'm worried about her being hungry...altho the nurses and doctors have assured me that she is not hungry...She sometimes says she's hungry, and at that time I get her crackers or ensure or some other substance, and she does attempt to eat. I cant stand that...Today she may have to prepare to leave hospice again, because she is not declining enough, fast enough...We may have to make the decision to put her into a nursing home. We dont really think Fred can take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of. I could go over there and stay and try to help, but Fred doesn't like someone always in his space, so to Fred I say, I dont know what to do, you cant have it both ways...Yet another consequence of divorce. If my parents were married there wouldn't be any question as to what to do. We would be on the same page, but as it is we're in a quandry...

My mother sure has lots of friends and loved ones...There is almost always people visiting, calling. You find out who your friends are when you are dying...Mama has lots of 'em. I have lots of friends too. People call to check on me, text messaging me (thank you Kelly, you don't know how much your little notes and phone calls mean to me) I want to be there with my mother as much as I possibly can be there but I have other obligations that I have to tend to, now don't get me wrong when I need to be there I am...2 days last week I put Noah in daycare, and Rudy kept Ricky on the bus with him, because I really needed to be there with mama. I'm paying for that now because Noah is sick...(A consequence from daycare) Today Rudy has gone to take Whitney to guitar lessons, I usually take her, but I am just so tired here lately, but when they get back, I'm free to go to my mother, and I will. I feel like a yo-yo...Ya'll pray for me and our family. We really need the Lord's guidance.
I went to see Chad Saturday he is fine and getting really anxious and READY to come home. 29 days left today!

Whitney and I went to "Woodstock in Winnsboro" this past Sat. after I went and saw Chad and mama and we met an artist we really like. James Michael Taylor. He is a singer / songwriter. He was very gracious and kind to Whitney! He gave us a really good deal on 3 of his c.d.'s. Thanks jm t
I've got to get ready to go check on Mama.
Thanks friends!

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