Monday, August 18, 2008

I don't have a title.........

Life consists of 1 let down after another...
When I was having all my kids I was overjoyed with the idea of big Christmas' , big birthday parties, happy times. PEACE... my dream.
For the most part when I was growing up, I was just there, I was never anything special. I was not a very good student ,I wasn't a real good anything. I always seemed to stirred up contention among my family. It was just something I did. I don't know why, maybe that was how I got my attention. I never got into any big trouble, and I always had a semi-consiousness of God, of right and wrong. It did not rule me , but then again neither did sin or evil. I guess you could say I was kinda luke warm. There was never a big deal made of birthday parties or special days. In fact I'm just sitting here thinking, and I don't remember any special days or earmarked days in my life, but the kicker is, I AM OK.
I tried to do the opposite with my kids, I made ALL their birthdays memorable, or at least I tried. I did read to them , I half way prayed with them, I tried reading the bible with them, I took them to church, I ALWAYS got them good clothes, cool clothes, so that they could fit in. When the boys were growing up I had a J.C. Penney card and their birthdays they got lots of cool clothes, I paid for them for the next year, but they had good stuff , cool shoes. I went to ALOT of resale stores too and I got alot of their clothes there. They always looked good.
Whitney's another story, we don't have all those other kids to buy for so we can, and do, get her lots of stuff. She would have lots more but she doesn't seem to want it. In fact she doesn't really appreciate anything we do. I try to not do anything for her, but then I think, she's my only daughter, and she's growing up, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to do for her, so when I see something really cute that I know she will look good in , I get it. She usually puts it in her closet and never wears it and I get my feelings hurt...
I guess you could say I turned out O.K. I've never been in jail, does that count for anything? I had 5 kids and a good husband, the boys are raised, (supposibly) , Whitneys getting there, I keep a reasonably clean house, I usually always have a glass of tea and maybe a bite to eat for who-ever comes. I still create contention, I don't mean to, but I do. I think sometimes its because I need to just keep my opinions to myself, but thats a thorn, it ain't easy livin with it, but I do. I find myself trying to wiggle out of things Ive said or done, I have a horrible wagging tongue, the book of James tears me up everytime. Here lately I find myself TIRED...
My oldest son has NOTHING to do with me, I love him and I'm sure he loves me but he is married to a tramp, she is that.
tramp :
Audio Help (trāmp) Pronunciation Key A person regarded as promiscuous.

I do not say this lightly, she is a tramp. My son loves her and is willing to stay with her no matter what she does. I do not want her at my house, I do not want my daughter thinking it is o.k. to entertain a tramp, so I do not see my son, or grand-daughter. I mourn. I love my Christopher, and my little innocent Dolese. I miss them. He is in my prayer. I pray for the Lord to give him ears to hear, eyes to see, I pray for the Lord to send a preacher or someone to tell him the good news. I pray for salvation for Chris and his wife. God can change them if He see's fit. I have cried so much over this boy. I pray for relief.
I love my Matthew, he is the reason God made me. He brings me JOY. I pray for him, Missy and the kids as well. Thank you Mattie for giving your weary mama a little peace!
Michael is just another story. I love him just as much as the other ones. He reminds me of a floppy puppy , he tries to do right but he steps on his ears or tail or whatever, and it sets him back. He eventually gets back up and tries again, sometimes he falls over and over, but as long as he keeps getting up. I am very proud of him inspite of his situation at the present time. I welcome Kelly back into the family and I so love my little Kaleb. They too are in my prayers. I have callouses on my knees from Michael.
And what can I say, CHAD, he has been through it, I have been with him in spirit. Nobody told me when I was having all these kids that motherhood hurt so much. I am so proud that he is all registered for school and ready to take the world by storm. This boy is the prayer that was and is always on my lips. I do love my Chaddy My laddie. More than that tho, I'm so glad the Lord saved him. Lord I thank you for Chad.
Then last and least...Whitney. Today my heart is broken for her. My hopes are still high, what she did is not unpardonable, but I just have been through so much grief and I just don't know if I am strong enough to stand much more. My precious beautiful baby girl...please be easy with your wore out old mother. I am so tired.
~Glenda, beaten, bruised, worn out, desperate,complacent,irrational, unreasonable, but saved by the grace of God.

1 comment:

Glenda, saved by grace said...

Why is it that when you write truth no-body comments...Its O.K. to be honest, people!
Oh yeah I forgot to put that I am a BIG-MOUTH...and so many more disgusting things. Thank God for GRACE!