Friday, August 08, 2008

I miss my MAMA

I sure do miss my Mama, I just wanna hear her voice, I wanna roll my eyes at something she says, and then watch her be right (again).This picture was taken in April of this year before she died on May 14th (Michael's 25th birthday). We were laying there watching FOX news (which is what her TV stayed on) I'm sure we were watching something about the presidential election. If she were alive she would have voted for John McCain. She couldn't stand Hillary, and she thought Obama was a joke. She didn't really like McCain, but she said he was the better of 3 evils, this was before Hillary conceded. She actually liked Mike Huckabee, and said maybe he could be McCains running mate. Thats a thought... Meo took this picture and I'm so glad she did.
Every couple of days or so I have to remind myself that NO I don't need to go check on her or call her. It seems I have to remind myself often that she's gone. I go to the cemetary, but I always leave as empty as I came. John brought me her pajamas that she had worn, she was so proud of them. I got her all colors and she looked so pretty in them, but when John gave them to me, I smelled them and they smelled like her , and I cried... POOR JOHN (NO John, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm just kinda weird like that). The next day at the cemetary I asked Buster to close his eyes and smell them, and he did and he started crying and made me promise not to get rid of them. They are still in the back seat of my car.I guess they'll stay there til I get ready to do something with them.
I go and check on Fred, like I told mama I would, but its not the same. The house don't look like she left it and it don't smell like her anymore. Fred's changed, o he's still Fred, but its just not the same. Maybe its just me, I don't know...

Me and Mama didn't always have the best relationship , but the last few years she was my best friend, I could tell her anything and she loved me, it didn't matter what it was. She hurt with me , she felt my pain, what ever it was I might be going through, and I'm usually going through something, No judgement, just love. She hurt over my kids just like I do, she comforted and consoled me, always! Oh and did I mention what ever I did, I was right, if I wasn't , her advise worded the solution around like I wasn't actually wrong, but how the situation may have been better handled,maybe another way or something. In other words, RUDY was always wrong and I was right...not really, but Mama made me feel that way. It's like I lost my biggest fan, my #1 supporter and now I just have to be strong with out her. I miss her calling me. "you busy" she always said and if I even hinted that I may have been doing something she would insist on letting me go, like she thought she might have been bothering me. MAMA , I'm not busy and I wanna talk to you, I have things I need to tell you and I need your wisdom, I need you so much.
I think about that stupid headstone getting wet...I have to remind myself, mama's not there , she's with the Lord and she wouldn't come back even if she could...
I love you Mama! I miss you!

Mothers day 2007
What a difference a year makes

1 comment:

Andrea said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. Complete strangers as we are, I do feel you pain.
I lost my mom many years ago.
What can I tell you that you don't know already. It is a great pain, and a part of you always goes when you mama leaves you.
In time you do keep the nice memories and let go a bit.
You never forget. And a lot of what our mothers were is embedded deep inside us.
A virtual hug to you.