Tuesday, November 20, 2007

This is not gonna be easy!

Well good morning folks. Its been awhile. I have been busy (as usual) , but aside from that I haven't really had alot to blog about.
Well there have been some changes taking place with me. These changes are something that the Lord Jesus is doing there is no other explanation... This change is towards my (step) son Jesse...Now those of you who know me know that this is not a favorite subject, but kinda a burr in my rear that Ive had to deal with for the past 15 years. Not that I don't love him, I do but its always been a different kind of love than what I feel for my "true "sons. For starters I wanna tell you a little bit about him.
I got him when he was 3 3/4 years. He was very meek and shy, and couldn't really talk much, and when he did talk you couldn't understand much of what he was saying. He was always pushing around little cars all over the floor, or playing with some imaginary friend nobody else could see. He always said yes ma'am and was always polite he really was a good little boy. I remember the first time I saw him, he had a little "tail" on the back of his head and he smiled ever so shyly, revealing a cavity on one of his baby bunny teeth. He was never overly friendly or loving and just wouldn't act like one of "my own" sons. I always said I tried to be affectionate, but looking back I really didn"t, I gave as little as I possibly could, because he wasn't really "my son", I had to be true to them, they couldn't dare see me loving anyone besides them...Man I am a warped individual. Anyway back to my story. Jesse has grown up kinda in the shadow of my own boys and he's always took a back seat to our darling (little terror) Whitney, but anytime we needed something done, he'd always be there to do it. My sons were always busy, chasing girls, or getting into some kind of trouble (seriously and worse trouble as they got older) (the chasing girls was for you Matt, my almost perfect son.) Jesse is guilty of eating our 40.00 cheesecake...but aside from that he never gave us any trouble. I secretly wanted him to tho cause my boys were into so much, but he never did. Jesse never really had any friends he pretty much ran alone, I always used that against him, but the pattern of his life is NOT to be a follower. I just wish my boys could of had a little bit of that. The one thing he did do was he LOVED "HIS BROTHERS"...Chris , Matt, Michael and Chad...my lovely pills...Anytime any of them would give him even the slightest bit of attention, he was on cloud 9. He would do anything he could to be with them...almost anything. The one thing he never did do that they did was, drugs, drinking, premarital sex... I always thought Jesse was kinda dumb, and he was, in school work, and to be totally honest, he really doesn't have alot of common sense, but you know I think he's smarter than all of them . He has qualities that I begged the Lord to give my sons, humility, compassion,understanding, charity, meekness,patience, unconditional love, FRUIT...some kind of proof that they were Christians. Jesse has 'em all. Not saying that C,M,M,C and Whitney don't have some of those qualities, they do, they re not rotten apples, they're just kinda like their mama, they have some qualities that are not pleasing to the Lord, like vanity, worldliness, stuff that the bible tells us is sin. Jesse doesn't. He's just Jesse, like him or not. He doesn't care that he wears walmart jeans, shirts etc it don't matter to him, as long as he's comfortable , its fine by him. He tried to get a bit worldly not long ago and bought himself a cowboy hat...I recently saw it underneath his seat in his truck all smashed and flat. He's probably wishing he had the money he spent on it. The thing I want ya'll to understand is, this is really hard for me. I wanted him to fail. I wanted him to at least be as bad as my boys. I think the Lord started revealing to me that this "stepson" thingy is SIN, these feelings I hold are NOT Christlike and he used Jesse to show me these things. This is not something that just happened like a light being switched on, this is something that Ive been battling for awhile. I always (halfway) ask for forgiveness for the way I act, and I Do always pray for him, but the Lord knows and I can't lie, I pray fervently for my children, I mention Jesse...big difference, I'd pray for Jesse cause that's the thing I should do, as a "good christian woman". I'm a filthy stinking worm! I think the straw that broke this old girls heart is that,(Chris' wife) J.R. left him...He has been sad and moping around like a puppy dog and Jesse started asking me if he could spend the night with Chris, me being the selfish flesh I am, thinking of my first born darlin, tell him yes you may ( I don't want Chris to hurt) I'm thinking that Jesse just wants to be around my "cool" son, so I'll allow it. Last night I was talking to Jesse and he told me as humbly as he could (as he is) "Ive been staying with Chris, hoping that maybe if he thinks about getting high, with me there, he won't". You see Chris is a drug addict, but praise the Lord he's been clean since April , Thank you Lord, but can you imagine my shame when Jesse told me that? I felt like a pile of crap. Lord please forgive me. Then after he went in I started thinking about things, and I want to unload this, I want to be free from this sin. I started thinking of things Jesse does. He writes to Chad faithfully. He helps so much with Ricky, I know he does things that my boys wouldn't do. I'm not doggin you C,M,M,C, or Whit, I'm just like you, but really he does. If Rudy and I ask him to keep Ricky for us, he always does. He never complains, anything we ask of him he does it. No LIP ever...unlike my spoiled children. When he talks about Matt, he BEAMS..he's so proud of Matt, and Michael, the Marines, he would have liked to have joined them, but it just isn't to be. He told me he wished he was as smart as them, well Jesse Lynn, you are , its just a different kind of smart. When Chad was home, they would wrestle and Chad always won. Chad being older just always made Jesse holler "uncle" , but as Jesse got older and bigger (than Chad) and stronger, I noticed Chad was still ALWAYS winning, then as I watched some of these antics I see that Jesse is letting him win...He's showing Chad RESPECT and not wanting to hurt his feelings, letting Chad keep the big brother status. That takes love. Not many people would do that. If one of the boys wanted to throw the ball, or skate, or go fishing or whatever they might want to do, Jesse's always there ready and waiting, and if there was someone else (a kooler kat) going with the brother, Jesse would just disappear and not bother them about taking him, no sweat , no problem, he'd just find something else to do.I use to think that Jesse played with Luke because he was on his level, but there again, I'm seeing that its not that at all, but he just purely loves Luke, Adam, Kaleb, Allie, and Dolese. He plays with them all simply because he loves them. Noah is a different story . Jesse takes care of him more than his own dad does he'll watch him if we ask, any time. He loves him.
Now he brings Cassie to us, we don't know her too well but it looks like she just might be a keeper. I hope she's prepared to live a simple life, but she'll have a man who loves, honors , protects, and cherishes her all the days of her life. That's priceless.
Jesse told me that he went to visit one of his uncles the other day. He said this uncle offered him a beer, I guess that's a sign from said uncle that Jesse is of age...Jesse told me he just looked at his uncle and said I've got no need for that, it would just cause me trouble, thank you anyway. To this "great" uncle, I bet that made you feel like a "real man". Drinking beer does not make you an adult, it does however make you a stupid adult! Maybe I haven't been talking to the air, maybe someone has heard me.
O well, the meaning of this long drawn out post is to say , God can cause people to change, and soften the hardest heart.
The truth is Ive been thinking alot about this adoption stuff and Ive come to realize that God only has one Begotten Son, The Lord Jesus Christ. Me , I'm a son, but I'm adopted, but I feel like the real thing. I hope its not too late to be the parent Jesse needs, I do try but not nearly enough. Lord help me to see with your eyes and meet the needs of those who love me , who I love, unselfishly. Thank you Lord for giving me this young man, not through birth, but through adoption.
Ephesians 1:3 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly [places] in Christ:
Eph 1:4 According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love:
Eph 1:5 Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will,
Eph 1:6 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.

I love you my son, Jesse, and I'm proud of you!

1 comment:

Carol said...

That was beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes.